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BLOG NO. 412 Siblings are born to the same parents, raised in the same household, and share an extremely close bond from birth. Our sentimental minds tend to believe that siblings—having grown up together, shared their mother’s milk, and matured under the shelter of their father’s love—naturally love one another deeply; indeed, we feel they *ought to.

However, a closer observation reveals that the notion of sibling love is often merely a poetic, idealized concept. Upon deeper reflection, one finds that feelings of rivalry, jealousy, hatred, and competition—and the resulting inter-sibling conflict—often outweigh genuine affection. The poisonous seeds of these sentiments are sown in early infancy, and the bitter fruit must be tasted in adulthood. If, upon growing up, siblings become independent and pursue their own careers—without being financially dependent on one another, sharing a similar socioeconomic status, and lacking a significant ancestral estate to fight over—then the need to taste this bitter fruit may not arise. At the very least, a cordial, superficial relationship remains intact. Yet, if any disparity or imbalance creeps in, sibling rivalry flares up, often becoming a spectacle for others to witness. This is not a rare or exceptional occurrence; rather, it is the norm. Instances of siblings sharing truly heartfelt, genuine love are exceedingly rare.

At first glance, many might consider this statement incorrect. This is because we operate on the assumption that siblings *must love each other, taking it for granted that such affection is a given. However, we need to examine the actual reality of the situation.

Human emotions fall into two categories: innate emotions and those that develop later in life. One may also distinguish between primary and secondary emotions. The drive to stay alive—and to acquire and preserve the means necessary for survival and for experiencing the joy of living—constitutes a primary emotion. The bonds of affection woven around us—such as social connections, kinship ties, and relationships with friends and relatives—evolve from this fundamental aspect of life and are classified as secondary emotions. Indeed, all such affectionate relationships are built upon the foundation of a second primary drive: the urge to procreate and thereby expand one’s own existence. Thus, it is true that these secondary emotions rest upon the foundation of primary drives.

Whenever a conflict arises between primary and secondary emotions, the primary ones prevail, while the secondary ones are suppressed. The more “primitive” the state of being, the stronger the influence of primary emotions—or, more accurately, the more overt and explicit they become. In childhood, we are free from social pretenses and the need to display outward civility; we exist in a primitive state. Primitive, uncivilized humans and children are alike in that they act in accordance with their primary emotions. Once this psychological makeup and the nature of these impulses are understood, phenomena such as sibling rivalry become easily comprehensible.

If there is anyone who stands in the way of a child’s rights or access to comforts, it is often their own siblings. Long before the question of dividing an inheritance arises, children must vie for shares of their parents’ and elders’ affection. These allocations often involve injustice—or at least, the children perceive them as far more unjust than they actually are. This is because adults often distribute attention and resources based on principles other than fairness, equity, or equal shares. There are, of course, disparities—more for the young, less for the old; more for the frail, less for the robust. Beyond this, some children earn labels like ‘good,’ ‘sensible,’ or ‘virtuous,’ while others are branded as ‘stubborn,’ ‘mischievous,’ ‘troublemakers,’ or even ‘thieves.’ There may or may not be valid reasons for such labels; delving into them would lead us far off-topic. However, the share of love children receive often varies based on qualities defined by adults. Some children are beautiful and delicate, naturally drawing more attention and affection; others are deemed intelligent or bright, earning them a larger share. Ultimately, the truth is that these allocations are made based on a mix of reasonable, unreasonable, appropriate, inappropriate, and even bizarre principles.

Compounding this unequal distribution is the child’s inherent desire to possess the entirety of that love—undivided and complete. Consequently, even if the division is fair, the very fact that a division had to be made—that one had to settle for half instead of the whole—is enough to breed resentment.

Conflict begins the moment another child is born into the home, and a succession of reasons arises to fuel that friction. The primary issue is the loss of exclusive access to the mother; initially, her attention is focused entirely on the newborn. Seeing her constantly engrossed in loving the baby, is it any wonder if a child thinks, “When will this baby die?” or “It would be wonderful if someone took it away!”? The law acknowledges the righteous fury of a man driven to a frenzy upon seeing another man acting familiarly with his wife; yet, few realize that a child may feel an equally intense rage upon seeing the mother—whom they consider rightfully theirs—become devoted to someone else. The child is already suffering from a deep emotional wound; amidst this, others often tease him—ostensibly in jest—saying things like, “Your mother is gone now,” or “You don’t belong to your mother anymore.” Such teasing is not mere play; it is like searing a wound with a hot iron. At that tender age, it inflicts unbearable pain. The young child feels as though he has lost his entire world, yet upon seeing him cry or react in agitation, the adults…Yet, they keep laughing! In truth, such behavior must be deemed utterly callous. Naturally, that very moment marks the beginning of sibling rivalry and hatred; subsequently, various incidents—large and small—continue to unfold. Adults do not always act after careful consideration, and they rarely pause to think about the impact their actions have on a child’s mind. Consequently, the seeds of poison are well-nourished, allowing the poisonous tree to flourish. Later, love enters the picture alongside this hatred, sparking a conflict between the two emotions.

Even young children possess a nurturing instinct. Watching a tiny baby play or crawl awakens an urge to hold, kiss, protect, and care for it. It is beneficial if this instinct finds a proper outlet. However, adults often prevent the older child from participating in the baby’s care, fearing they might cause harm. This only intensifies the child’s underlying resentment. Their tender, vulnerable minds are left shattered. Is it any wonder, then, if they feel as though the earth is swallowing them whole or the sky is crashing down upon them? In household after household, one hears remarks like, “This child has become terrible! He wasn’t like this before!” or “Who knows what’s gotten into him lately? He’s become so irritable and cranky.” Some might say, “He’s become so mischievous; he’s constantly hitting and breaking things!” Such comments abound. This sense of frustration warps the child’s state of mind, leading to traits like bad behavior, irritability, crankiness, stubbornness, and more. Their spirits are dampened; they begin to feel that no one loves them and feel compelled to rebel to claim their rights. Consequently, they resort to such behavior, and as a result, the poor things get scolded even more and incur the displeasure of the elders. Yet, often, they find the elders’ anger, physical punishment, or scorn preferable to being completely ignored and left to lie quietly unnoticed. They derive a sense of satisfaction simply from knowing that, in this way, they have managed to draw the elders’ attention toward themselves. They often deliberately do the very things they were told not to do, and frequently, they are seen watching the elders out of curiosity to see if anyone will speak up yet. The more commotion there is and the longer the discussion about them continues, the better they feel; this is because, for that duration at least, the younger baby’s importance seems to diminish, and they feel that the adults are treating them as significant individuals.

In a sense, the matter is quite simple—something that happens in every household. However, just because it is a common occurrence, one should not dismiss it as trivial. There is no doubt that it leads to long-term, bitter consequences and causes profound emotional pain to one’s own child at that very moment. It is absolutely essential to take appropriate precautions in this regard in a timely manner.

The first step is to behave in a way that prevents the older child from feeling that they have lost their rights. A mother inevitably has to devote more attention to the younger child than the older one; however, care should be taken to ensure the older child does not feel abandoned or think, “I have no one left for me now.” The grandmother or father should draw the child closer so that the loss of the mother’s constant attention is not keenly felt; at the very least, the child must see that there is no lack of love. Efforts should be made to minimize the sense of separation from the mother. Furthermore, the mother herself should not keep the child at a distance; instead, she should occasionally call the child close, inquire about them, and embrace them affectionately, thereby reassuring them that she is still their mother. It is important to consciously keep some of the child’s needs in mind. Even if there are domestic helpers or other family members around, a mother often does not need to perform certain chores herself. Yet, as a gesture of love, she should still attend to small tasks—such as braiding her daughter’s hair, dressing her son, threading the drawstring into his shorts, or sitting close by and mixing his rice for him. This ensures the child does not feel suddenly displaced or demoted. They should not be made to feel that there has been a sudden, drastic change in their life—whether in terms of status or the affection they receive.

Secondly, one should not belittle the child by making remarks like, “You’ve grown up now; aren’t you too big to sleep on Mother’s lap?” A child of two, three, or four years old is not truly “grown up.” On the contrary, one must acknowledge that the child has less access to the mother than before and therefore has a right to a share of her time and attention.

Thirdly, one should never engage in cruel teasing—such as saying “Mother isn’t yours” or “Mother doesn’t like you; the baby is Mother’s favorite”—that might awaken unnecessary pain or aggravate existing feelings of insecurity. Instead, one should consistently convey the mindset that “this baby is also mine,” “Mother has to attend to the baby because it is small,” “you are mine and so is the baby,” and “you are cherished and so is the baby.” This attitude should be demonstrated through one’s actions as well.

Fourthly, care must be taken to avoid introducing the concept of competition. Children often have a habit of discussing past events. Conversations frequently involve praising one child’s virtues while pointing out another’s faults. Children find it entertaining to hear stories about the past—viewing them almost like history. It usually does not bother them to hear, for instance, that they were a “crybaby” when they were younger. Yet, all too often, incidents from childhood are brought up as if they were the child’s own faults. This stings the child. “Oh, him? He’s been tormenting me since the day he was born. He hadn’t even turned two months old when he caught whooping cough. I had to stay up night after night..One should avoid disparaging one child while praising another’s qualities in one’s speech or actions. Such behavior erodes the bond of love between siblings and fosters rivalry and jealousy. Similarly, one should not instigate competitions like, “Let’s see who finishes first; whoever is quick is the smart or clever one.” In short, one should neither speak nor act in a way that sparks competition or a race for superiority among siblings.

The fifth point is that elders should never—even inadvertently—display behavior that suggests inequality among siblings. The perception that adults are being unjust or partial—that they favor one child over another—runs deep and can cause lifelong emotional pain. In many households, there is a practice of treating sons and daughters differently, or even making distinctions regarding food and drink. In some families—particularly among the landed gentry or aristocracy—a stark disparity is often created between the eldest son and the other children. Sometimes, for various reasons, a particular child becomes the favorite of the mother, the father, or both, leading to constant, minor acts of favoritism. To the other children, these acts feel as irritating and painful as a speck of dust in the eye. Even though a household is built upon a foundation of love, those who manage the family must remember that justice, equality, and impartiality should always take precedence.

The sixth point is that the older child should be encouraged to play an appropriate role in caring for the younger one from the very beginning. They should be allowed to help with their younger sibling’s needs to the best of their ability; if they cannot manage a task alone, the parents and the older child can work together to look after the little one. Instead of shouting, “Go away! Don’t bother me or make a fuss here; I’m putting the baby to sleep,” and thereby harshly pushing them aside, one should say, “Come, let’s put the baby to sleep now, shall we?” If asked to “pat gently” or “sing a song,” the older child often complies beautifully—remaining calm, speaking softly to avoid causing a disturbance, and doing exactly as requested. Maternal instincts—or the capacity for nurturing—often arise naturally in them. If this trait is fostered, the mother’s task becomes easier, and there is no cause for toxic emotions like resentment to take root or grow in the sibling’s mind.

Furthermore, the older child should be given opportunities to find their place among friends and at school. Unless the younger sibling was born with a very short gap—a situation parents have a duty to prevent—the older child is usually ready for the playground or preschool by the time the new baby arrives. If they can spend their time and engage their mind in outdoor play and making friends, the fact that the mother is busy doting on the younger sibling ceases to be a source of distress. It is a common observation that children who stay cooped up at home tend to become more prone to jealousy.

If a child has been the only one—receiving constant pampering, undivided attention, and endless praise—they may feel deeply hurt when that privileged position is lost. Therefore, whether there is one child or several, the guiding principle should be to ensure they receive appropriate attention and their rightful place, avoiding any imbalance; this approach benefits the children.

Recognizing that this matter is far more significant than it might appear, it is essential for parents in every household to observe their children’s behavior in this regard, correct any mistakes promptly, and take care to ensure that the child’s life does not become unhappy unnecessarily.